What life really is all about

I guess recently from the many experiences I’ve had I’ve truly understand what it means to be in submission to the necessary being. A being that far surpasses what you imagine but yet you understand the necessary being’s attributes from the holy book, the Quran. I used to think that hanging on to people would give me strength but I’ve realised why do I have to go through people? Rather, to hang on the very source that gave life to that person, which is the necessary being.

What does the necessary being truly mean ? I’ve learnt that everything is dependent on something and that something is dependent on the necessary being. Which means, ultimately, everything is dependent on the necessary being. Interesting eh?

True, I can ask people for advice but the necessary being is ultimately in control of every single tiny thing that happens in this universe. It is only with the permission of this necessary being that things can happen. Learning about this just really changed my perspective of what life is really about. To give ultimate never ending thanks. This can be through the daily work you do like helping your parents out or to work and contribute to the community or a simple thing such as giving others a smile but of course to give credit to the necessary being who gave you those resources.

I saw from somewhere that the opposite of anxiety isnt calm, but trust. To give your wholehearted trust to the all-knowing, all-wise, necessary being who provides, truly puts your anxiety at ease. I realise now when I’m intentional about the things I do, things just hit differently, which is something Im truly grateful for.

Yeah, just writing out my thoughts since it’s been awhile I havent posted afterall. ^O^

Test

What I used to believe before, is not something I believe now. People can change, while they may sometimes find it hard to let go. They know why they must let go because ; You may love what is bad for you and you may hate what is good for you 🙂

8 Apr 2023

So what if I am a “swot” ?

I guess this recent event kinda triggered some feelings I had and I guess I was trying to avoid that feeling instead of facing it and “ride the wave”. I don’t know why but I take a while to resolve things or get my head around it. I guess you could say its PROCRASTINATION. But honestly, it is not something that I am “proud” of.

Now that uni is starting in a few weeks time I decided that I needed to change my perspective on things aka “studying”. So in Semester 1 I probably had more motivation, it being my first uni experience and having a friend that pushed me into studying hard. The campus environment also probably made it easier for me to focus on studying. Knowing these positive variables and those that do not help me focus, I will learn from these experiences for an elevated learning experience in 2021. Both for Semester 1 AND 2.

This contributes to my grades and for my scholarship application. I learnt many things really, about the importance of mental health, self care, the things I am distracted by, my diet and the negative impacts of snacking even if it is “cheap” but it’s costly for your health. And just as I typed this, I tried to run away to get some biscuits which was unsuccessful. I have to just ride the wave and get this post done.

Let’s summarise what I’ve learn
1) Setting a time limit for each activity with buffers
2) Daily morning mindfulness activity
3) Importance of self care even if you find it hard
4) Importance of protein, nutrient rich foods
5) Creation of environment you want to be in aka a clean room
6) Studying in a positive studying env aka library/school
7) Managing stress by riding the wave and having breaks

With that over and done with, something happened recently and it just triggered a swear word in me which I personally do not like it. But it’s triggering enough for me to mentally say it in my head.

An acquaintance posted a tip to get ready for uni and I replied that it was a great advice! Cause I knew that I should prepare because of my tendency to forget things and I knew that my previous semester 2 I didnt really have much quality learning done. Under the same post, a few days later someone said ” What a swot” something along those lines. I don’t know these slang words so I was curious what it meant and googled it and it means “someone who studies too much” I guess I find it triggering because well I know personally that I am FAR from that. Another reason may be because I don’t want to be seen as a “nerd”. But you know what, I’ve made up my mind. Call me a nerd, swot, gungho, whatever. I don’t care. Just you do you. I do me. Thinking back, why do I even need to care about what that person said. But yeah I will be swot, gungho and a nerd XP

This is my personal learning style, my issue, my time and my money. I am NOT going to do badly again and risk failing and losing an award or scholarship again just because I don’t want to be seen as “nerdy”. But yeah just get out of my business. Shoo Shoo. I don’t need this kind of toxicity. Anws stay firm, stay strong dear self and not get swayed by other thoughts. You can do it. It might not have been smooth sailing recently but you learn from your mistakes arrite??

Let’s put a plan into action “rubs hands” and ride the wave ~~~

To fulfill my dream

What is my dream?
What is the purpose of me pursuing this degree?
There are many reasons surrounding this
but it definitely connects me to my family.

An overseas education my sister has envied.
A trip to a musical my brother has looked forward to.
A family trip where we could go East, West or somewhere in between.

Whatever it is, I just know that I have to hold strong to this belief
That despite the struggles, it will pass
I have always survived

I used to think that life was tough
But I kept on going even when I found myself out of luck
But now I know that this life is afterall just a test
and I’m just doing my best
awaiting for a life of eternity

Looking back to the past and future

Damn. It’s been over a year since I’ve been here in New Zealand. I was reading my pre-departure jitters and wow 1 month. To receive my visa within that period is honestly REALLY fast and I am so fortunate to receive it on the day I stepped on NZ. Anyways, seriously I have come so far. From retaining a year, going on my school gap years, “foundation school”, passed Semester 1 and now the half of Semester 2 is coming.

I think it’s important to look at the past, reflect and move forward. People do say that the current is more important which I do agree but occasionally, looking back allows me to feel grateful and work even harder. Damn I feel like I’m gonna cry but there is sooooo much to say that I’m just gonna focus on two main things.

1. Arashi’s hiatus
   They announced it at the beginning of 2019 and one of the goals I made was to study overseas which thank god came true. I am grateful but I tend to forget. These moments are one of which I would love to frequently recall so that I don’t lose my way.
   I said that I would study my butt off, balance and manage commitments, graduate and secure a job asap. These are very vague now that I am in this situation but it does put things in perspective on where my priorities lie. I also mention about getting funds to fund my degree which I am very worried that I might not be able to have enough for my year 2 of uni which is why I need to start applying for scholarships and bursaries asap too….
   However I also said that I want to be successful enough so that when Arashi is back I am a kick ass career woman. My priorities have changed though… but I would love to be as successful as them, career-wise.
2. My move to NZ in mid-2019
   I would honestly say that my 2019 was pretty uneventful? Sure, I faced alot of hardships with my accommodation, living alone for the first time, making new friends, managing my finances but I honestly survived it all. Lol I say that it was “uneventful” initially but whenever you’re in that specific situation you just feel at a loss. When I look back on it now, I am pretty impressed at myself for surviving that half of a year. I think what kept me going back then was my goals too.

Now, let’s focus on the present: My current worries are managing a work-life-study balance. I’ll have to break it down further but I think what really helped me was the lack of wifi access. Something I always abuse whenever I have access to it. Even today. Damn I think I just summarized it very succinctly well XD. Yup. I’ve got it. I just have to focus, eliminate distractions and focus on working on my goals.

Sweet as. Let’s move forward.

 

 

Where did you learn your English?

Honestly, as a Singaporean who has spoken English all my life and having been exposed to it since I was born I honestly felt insulted hahaha. I had various thoughts in my head such as, did you think you English was that good? I even had to check and look at my own IELTS results 8.0 yo XD to validate myself after. (Meh I guess it’s the English environment that I was brought in that was different but I really do need to be more confident of my personal abilities) But I then realised that it is a second language for them. So, to be fair, it is probably not an accent they’re used to and the English they have been exposed to is different from the English I was exposed to.

Anyways, I tried to find on Google if other international Singaporean citizens have faced such an issue but the results weren’t exactly what I was looking for…

Instead, what I found was discussions ” about Singlish or ” Standard English” whatever you call it. To summarise, it is a choice if you would rather speak formally or informally. To me, growing up in Singapore I have always used English in an informal manner. I just have been slapped with this reality that being in an “angmoh” or what you would call a non-Asian country, (cuz NZ isn’t European right? butttt many are from Britain XD) I digress.

Basically, to communicate with others well in this foreign country, I have no choice but to change my way of thinking. Another point mentioned was that we wanted fast and easy, which resulted in us speaking quickly, shortening our sentences and used “simpler & quicker” words. I admit I fall into this trap very frequently. However, I guess the moral of the day is that I can’t speak informally to people here. I have to learn how to compartmentalize the way I think and speak. Even if it means that I have to be “formal” (imo) to them. From their perspective that is something regular, but for me, I have to adapt the way I think and speak. Whooo reality only hit me hard now despite being told at the beginning of the year. I mean she told me before but I just brushed it off cuz she just gave up XD

But yupppp I guess I have to start speaking more formally to engage better with others. Let’s take this positively though, it will be a good chance for me to start training early so that when I have to meet my own patients in my training, the switch isn’t as hard for me ^o^ I would also have to change my thinking that the customers who come into the pharmacy would all be my patients. Yeah. This part-time “work” just because it was given to me unofficially and informally, does not mean that it is not a proper job. I will have to face patients with health issues so I need to approach them with a health mindset. Offering them services or products of the highest quality that will benefit them regardless of the price. Sales are made when products and customer service of the best quality are provided to them. I guess I need to switch to my A game, giving my best effort in everything I choose to do. It gets tiring but I guess what will keep me going are my goals and the reasons I choose to do what I want to do.

 

Pre departure jitters

So basically its like 32 days from when I’m going to fly abroad to a country which I’ve never been to alone. Damn reality hit me so much harder. But yeah, currently I’m feeling worried, my visa hasn’t been submitted yet and I need to do a greater research about my accommodation environments. Probably need a map to figure out my way once I’m there. Packing home essentials, how I’m gonna communicate with my family and friends. My stomach feels weird but now I’m not sure if its due to nervousness or because I ate something bad today hahaha.

But hey yeah, writing all this down does help me to calm down myself abit. Being able to see visually what are the various things that I need to do. ‘

You can do it. You’ll see. Imagine being able to things at your own pace and target. Managing yourself and being able to focus more on yourself and achieving your long-term dreams and ambition.

Like Sho Sakurai said, Write it as a dream, Read it as a goal.

The end point

Where do I want to end up?

What exactly it is that I want to be?

These questions should be playing in my mind all the time. But instead, I am distracted. Distracted by everyday’s distractions, trying to run away and relax too much.

I had a pretty tiring and rough day today that didn’t go as planned that I almost broke down in the train. Furthermore, I overheard two guys talking in the train about giving back to the community and knowing whether you have done enough before you die.

So that got me thinking,

Am I really giving my all?

Would I be satisfied dying like this?

And the answers that I got was that I wasn’t doing enough, I have so much more things that I want to do and achieve. NO! I will not let my life end in this way.

Sakurai Sho’s quote, where he “wrote” a letter to his younger self about not worrying about pushing himself to the limits cuz he’s not gonna die anyway. And somehow it really reasonated with me and I told myself to push myself mentally, physically and emotionally. I don’t know is it healthy? Am I going to self-destruct? But honestly now that I think back it might be difficult but on the other hand,if not now then when? Rationally speaking, what I have to do now is set a specific plan with a specific goal. DO NOT BE LAZY.

Think about how you felt when you had to retain.

Think about how awful you felt today at work when you didn’t perform at 100% capacity.

Think about where you want to be after all the hardwork you’ve put in.

You CANNOT let yourself or your parents or anyone down. You’ve just gotta do it.

You can do it okay? I know you can. You’ve done it before and you will do it again.

I CAN DO IT!!!!

Specific short term goals can lead to long term goals and I will do my IELTS by the end of November.

I CAN AND I WILL DO IT!

Self empowerment

You know what.

Actually, being yourself, in my opinion anyway, is really important. For example when you’re applying for a university or a job or when meeting new people. Well, think about it, if if you try to mold yourself or try to be a certain way or follow a certain mold won’t you think too much?? Besides, it may be difficult for you to move on as you keep thinking of those “model” qualities and then try to relate yourself to that which can be some sort of gap and be sort of difficult to pull them together.

Well of course qualities, ambitions or values are good to follow. However, one’s experience is different from another and what that person may have gone through will be different from your own. Also, if you keep thinking about that WOW ability of others, it’s possible that you may lose sight of your own and you’ll just be weird in a sense. Drifting in and out of a certain way you think you should act or be like.

In addition, by seeing your own qualities will you be able to shine much brighter in your own light. That’s the point isn’t it? To show others that you are you and that you have that spark within you that is different from everyone else. Also, seeing you being comfortable with yourself will put others at ease too.

This is not to say that you should always remain stagnant as there are so many ways you can develop and improve yourself. I guess there’s this fine line between wanting to improve yourself and wanting to be like someone else. It can be difficult sometimes but if you focus on your own abilities and limitations, you’re already one step ahead.

Just some recent reflection ^^

Sadness?

I dont know why but since this afternoon I’ve been feeling really down and stuff? I dont know well tbh I was actually “stalking” some of my friends and somehow seeing how great their lives were made me think about how I’m just stuck at this plateau not going anywhere. But at the same time I’m tired because I’ve been trying pretty hard and yet I dont get anything for it. Not even a good job. Fine I might be ungrateful here and well there are people who are facing times which are harder than mine. But Why oh why? Is life supposed to be this difficult? (Well yes.) But I don’t like it (lol it sounds childish) But I really dont know why I just feel so upset. I guess maybe everyone is moving ahead of me while I am still here lagging at the back? I dont know. Either ways it could also be due to inability to watch Sekamuzu yesterday. I totally missed out on the last episode, Sho’s appearance as a newscaster, that oh-so sweet moment Misa and Reiji-san had. It means that there is no more funny faces that Shachou Samejima Reiji will make. Well, this morning too I had accidentally upset my sister with some rather harsh words when I wasnt thinking straight. Im such a horrible person aren’t I, thinking that I’m better than everyone or that I am more”mature” and able to react to situations better than others. But the fact is. I have nothing nothing at all to my name and yet I think this way. This is just one side of me. What if I go in deeper, will I find more parts of me that are crude and dirty. This reminds me I need to start reading Ouran again. I love Tamaki’s character so damn much and I just simply love it. He’s such a great guy and has such a pure heart. Well I do know that he’s just a fictional character but I really do want to be like him.

Now that Sekamuzu is over though, I guess i should be looking forward Shinobi no Kuni, Ohno’s new movie. Look forward yeah. But really though I have to keep progressing forward but Im tired Im really tired. I know I’m doing this for my family and I guess myself but its just so ughh.

A few hours later,having kinda outed this negativity out I really dont know what happened but reading back it scares me at how strong the negative and painful aura it has. But the fact of life is through I need to keep on going step by step.

Hey  Yeah!

Then, what are dreams?　They’re a huge sign to guide your way
Let’s go forward, even if it’s only 1 mm!　Step by step! Step ahead!
Brother　You’re frustrated, aren’t you?　Don’t cry
Let me hear you say　All together now　Hey! Don’t hold it in!

lyrics credit: yarukizero@LJ